Cancer is cancer...

So, my Cancer to 5k program ended in October and we celebrated by running the Baltimore Running Festival 5k! Before I mention the race, I have to say that joining this program was the best decision I made after my surgery. I was a little hesitant joining because I thought maybe my cancer wasn't as "cancery" as other people's and that people might think I was dumb for joining. Yes, I thought that! After the first meeting in July, I met Jennifer, a ovarian cancer survivor. She had gone through chemo and had been cancer free for almost 2 years. The second night of the program, I met Allison. She also had ovarian cancer, went through treatment, was given 2 years to live and was still surviving. She had stopped treatment because it wasn't effective and was only doing acupuncture.

I remember talking with her on the way out that night. We shared our stories. I told her that I felt like my story was nothing compared to what she had gone through.   She said to me that,"...cancer is cancer. It doesn't matter the outcome, it affects you just the same."

I got in my car and just cried.

I thought about her story and what she had gone through and what she continues to go through because of this disease. I thought about my short lived cancer story. I felt overwhelmed with feelings of gratefulness and also guilt. Why did I get off so easily when so many people were suffering? Right then, I knew that being in this program was exactly where I needed to be 4 weeks after my surgery and 2 months (almost to the day) of being diagnosed.

The program was great and the coaches/volunteers were amazing. I'm talking these were REAL people. People that cared...people who genuinely wanted you to come, run, talk, and have fun. I will forever be grateful to Jay, Vicki, Dane, Barbara, Laura, Patrick, and the others that ran with us occasionally. I am also grateful for meeting Jennifer. We formed a true friendship based on the one thing we had in common. We had cancer. We are survivors. We shared something that most people don't understand. Because of that, we have hung out a few times, have run together, and talk often....all outside of the program. Jennifer is a piece of my story now.

Now onto the race...

It was an extremely exciting and emotional experience. The whole group met downtown before the race and did some stretching and talking. Coach Jay tried to get us pumped up and also told us to remember where we came from...The message was run. Run for those who cannot run. Run because you are able to. You are healthy. You are strong. You can do this! His words were powerful to me and I am sure, to Jennifer too. I had to hold back the tears.

Vicki, Jennifer, me, and Jay at the race.

Jennifer and me after the race.

The race was great and I ran.
I ran for me. I ran for those who couldn't. And, I finished. I ran across that finish line in 34 minutes fighting back the tears. I felt so accomplished and so powerful. I had come a long way and I was proud. A special thank you to Laura and Vicki for running along my side the entire way. You ladies are the best!

Three days after this race, I returned to Johns Hopkins for my 3 month post-op appointment. My blood work came back normal. Happy day!

I have continued to run now that the program is over....not as much as I had been doing but, it's better than nothing. I just did my 2nd 5k yesterday...the Columbia Metric Marathon 5k. I kicked some butt, if I do say so myself. I ran 3 minutes faster than the BRF 5k...31 minutes! I couldn't believe it! Yay, me! I want to continue running and stay strong and healthy.

Also, I have joined the 2012 Team Fight group and I am looking forward to running with a group of people who are so devoted to working with cancer survivors and towards the fight against cancer. This journey has been amazing so far and I cannot wait to see what lies ahead!

Cancer to 5K

So, I knew of the Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults just by hearing about it and due to their connection with the Livestrong foundation. After having cancer, I went to their website and came across their training program. Since I withdrew from my running group with the Striders earlier this summer, I knew I wanted to get back into running. I signed up for the 12 week program offered by UCF and it starts next Tuesday. The final goal is a 5K in October...the Baltimore Running Festival. I am really excited to be a part of the training because it is only for people who had/have cancer. I think it will be really inspiring to be a part of this group. Not only for me to be thankful for where I am now but, to get to know others who are still fighting. I hope to really grow in many ways, from this upcoming experience.

http://www.cancerto5k.com/

Post-Op

Wednesday I went for my post-op appointment with Dr. Efron at JHH. My appointment was at 2:30. I waited for almost 2 hours to be seen. There were many people in the waiting room, all waiting as long as I had been. I finally was called back a little after 4pm and Dr. Efron came in with a big smile on his face. He explained that the cancer was primarily in the removed polyp and a "microscopic" piece was left in the lining of the colon which was removed during surgery. All 15 lymph nodes came back negative, as did the rest of the colon. Dr. Efron explained that I would have to return to have my blood checked in 3 months and have another colonoscopy in a year. He said to take fiber supplements 2 times a day and that I could return to my normal activities (which I already had been doing ;) ). He was very pleased with my surgery and recovery and thought I bounced back wonderfully. He checked out my incision scars and they looked good. It was so great to hear the doctor tell me everything went well and that I wouldn't need chemotherapy or any other treatment. This appointment put me on top of the world! I was so happy and grateful to be walking out of that building with no worries in my mind! Life is so good!

Cancer can kiss my you-know-what!

Love this quote...

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Cancer is a funny thing

I learned a lot about having cancer and here are some things I found out...
1.  It is a weird feeling to know there is something inside of you that wants to harm you and possibly kill you. It's even more weird to know this when you are not feeling "sick."
2. Cancer knows no age. It does not care if you are healthy, have a family, a job, and life you love...
3. To get through anything, you need people. The support I received was amazing and is truly one of the reasons I was able to get through this scary time.
4. Some people do not know what to say or how to act if they are around someone with cancer. It is true! I witnessed it. Strange, I know...
5. Prayer is an amazing thing! I had people praying for me...people I have never met, people who live states away. I had church congregations praying for me. I was on prayer lists! Knowing that brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could thank each and every person who went out of their way to think of me and pray for me. I truly feel that I am okay because of those prayers. God listened...
6. Life is short...we all know that. But, when you face a diagnosis like I have, life seems really short! I realized the important things in life in a really short amount of time. Love your friends and family, be good to each other, be happy and smile, and take each moment as it comes to you, are some of the things I vow to continue doing now that life gave me a second chance!
7. It's important to reflect and give yourself some "me" time. During the whole diagnosis-surgery time. I really tried to keep it together. I kept on working and being normal because I didn't want to stay home and wallow in my self-pity. However, almost every day I would come home and cry to my husband. Mainly because that is when I thought about what was happening and he was the only one who REALLY knew how I was feeling. He let me cry, lay in bed or on the couch, let me do nothing, and just feel depressed. He knew I couldn't control my feelings and I had to just let it out. Leading up to surgery, I couldn't sleep and I was very emotional. After a negative biopsy, I cried because I was happy. But, I also didn't know what had just happened. Things happened way too fast and my mind has not caught up yet! Now, I plan on giving myself time to think, write, reflect, and accept to be able to move my life forward.
7 1/2. What will moving forward look like? What will happen next week at my post-op appointment? Will the results be the same and that's it? Is cancer really gone...forever? It's hard to move forward when I wonder about the future and the scary thought that all this is really not over, after all. It's also hard because I will have the constant reminder about cancer when I have a colonoscopy every year for the next five years.
8. Stress exacerbates anxiety. This seems like a no-brainer. I had additional stress in my life at the time of my diagnosis/surgery. It brought out the worst (and I mean WORST) in the people involved and made my life a living hell. I was a wreck...see #4. I am so glad to be past the cancer and the drama that was not needed nor should have occurred to me or anyone involved. Drama does not look good on anyone! Compassion and empathy are much prettier!
9. Johns Hopkins Hospital is an amazing place to go if you have an illness. I am so fortunate to have had the opportunity to go there in the small time frame I did. Everyone was professional and kind. It really made me feel better about my situation. That makes me think of a nice lady who we met when I was having my CT scan. She had bone cancer. She had been through quite a lot. It makes me think my situation was nothing compared to her's and many others which leads to #10...
10.  I am so blessed. When we left JHH after my surgery, I felt guilty. It's weird, I know. I knew there were other people in my building with the same problem as me. They weren't leaving to go home. They weren't out in the beautiful sunlight. I felt such relief and release but guilt that I was able to just go home after 3 days...What about those other people? What would happen to them? Why me but why not me? Such a strange feeling.

Recovery

After surgery, I stayed in the hospital for 3 days. I went home Sunday at around 3pm. I had such a sense of relief and release as we drove away. I felt so lucky, blessed, fortunate to be leaving the hospital and to be going home to my son and family. Life was good that sunny, beautiful day. God was definitely smiling down on me. When we arrived home, Jay was sitting on his Gram's lap in the kitchen and I peeked my head around the corner. He looked at me with the biggest smile and a surprised look on his face. I walked and sat down and held him in my arms. He laughed and hugged me back. It was a beautiful moment and I cried tears of happiness to be back with my family. Jay seemed to be like, "Oh, there you are! I missed you!" It was THE best way to come home after being away for such a scary thing.  The days after coming home were tired and sore days. I did a whole lot of nothing. I had no energy and felt depressed and just wanted to sleep. It was hard for me because I wanted to play and take care of Jay but, my body  had other plans. I had to rest. I had to take care of myself before I could take care of anyone else. By Thursday, my mother in law decided she would return home to Delaware. We thought it would be good to go along with her. So, we packed up the car and drove 2 1/2 hours to her house where we stayed for the weekend. While we were driving, I began telling Jason that I just don't feel like myself. I don't feel happy. We had just gotten a call that morning from the nurse and she gave us the news of my negative biopsy reports. At that moment, we are overjoyed with the news. But, inside I did not feel completely happy. It is hard to explain.  I was still in shock from the first diagnosis and now you are telling me everything is fine? So, while riding along with Jason, I just cried and cried. I wanted him to  know that I know myself and I know that who I am now is not who I was before. I wanted me back and I didn't know how to get back there. A few days later, I met with a wonderful lady named Judi, who is a licensed therapist that my mother in law wanted me to talk to. I had no problem doing that...I wanted help and I knew I needed it after what I just went through physically and mostly emotionally.  We talked for an hour and she really spoke to me. She said things exactly how I was feeling and thinking. It was amazing how she could get right to the heart of me. She said in order to recover, I have to get my mind right and that is part of the reason this blog came to life!

*Jay just woke up from his nap so more about this journey later...*

Surgery Day

I cannot even begin to explain to you the amount of anxiety and nervousness I felt leading up to the surgery. I was so scared and worried about the unknown after surgery. Would I need Chemo? Has the cancer spread into the lining of my colon? What will happen after surgery? With all of those thoughts, I had to say goodbye to Jay that day. I have never been away from him overnight and I was going to miss him so very much. So, needless to say, there were a lot of emotions building up as surgery approched.

Surgery Day was June 23, 2011 at JHH. After being on a liquid diet for 48 hours and taking 2 enemas that morning, we arrived at 11:45 and met my father and mother in law there. We went to the waiting area of the Weinberg Building and checked in. I waited about 30 minutes and then was led back to the area where I would be prepped for surgery.  I changed into the gown and met many different people who were part of the surgery team, including my doctor, Dr. Efron.  They put the IV in and I waited for my family to come back. I hugged and kissed my father and mother in law and they walked back to the waiting room. Jason stayed with me until it was time to go. I knew I would see him again, but the overwhelming emotions just poured over me. We held back tears, hugged, kissed and I was rolled away to the operating room at around 1:45. I remember coming into the operating room and thinking, "This is for real. This is really happening. I have cancer and I am here because they have to get it out." All of this had been so hard to accept and understand. But the realness of the situation made it clear at that moment. I was getting ready to fall asleep under the anesthesia, and the nurse made me think about going to the beach. I couldn't think about it well because I was so scared. I remember trying to recite Isaiah 41:10 in my mind right before I fell asleep. I was scared and the tears that formed in my eyes was the proof.

I woke up in the operating room and I couldn't breathe and panicked! They finally calmed me down and took me to the recovery area at around 6:30 pm or so. Jason had left earlier to pick up Jay from daycare. They brought my dad in and I could barely sign to him since I was so sleepy. I think he was glad I was okay and left to go home.  My mother in law came in and stayed with me until they were going to take me to my room. I was really tired and out of it.  They took me up to my room and I had to shimmy myself with the help from the nurses onto my hospital bed in the room. It felt like a major job to do but eventually I got on that bed and went to sleep.